RED FANG

Chicago, IL. 11/11/11 What the hell did happen in Chicago? It must have been a good one because I have no photos or memory of anything. Milwaukee, WI. 11/12/11 What in Paul’s bunion did John do to make the photo look like this? Does he have a “Gary Busey’s brain” setting on that thing or what? Wait! We were trying to figure out why our green room looked as if Keith Richards’ interior decorator got hold of some bad E: Maybe the entire club was cloaked in Timothy Leary’s ghost. On mushrooms. Sauget,IL. 11/13/11 I wish that we were a crappy art rock band so that I could just put up this photo I took of the power plant behind the club and write a poem about the bands dark brooding feelings. All the while twirling the end of my scarf with my fingerless glove clad, imported cigarette-clutching fingers. You would be able to feel the angst we harbored towards our parents for not getting us leather seats in the Lexus we got for high school graduation in every line. It would be deep! But on the ...

If you ever see me agree to tour the mid-west in the middle of winter again, bash me in the skull with a tire iron. Summer? Sure. Fall, Spring? I'm in. Winter? No way in H-E-double-hockey-sticks. I am no stranger to the cold, spending a good chunk of my life living above the snow line of Mt. Hood, but the combination of temperatures in the teens and wind coming off the Great Lakes is unbearable. They say it's not like that all the time, in fact, the rumor was that the weather had been nice around Michigan until, from what I got, our van crossed the border. It was snowing sideways when we woke up which is the tour equivalent of waking up to a punch in the ball bag. The next seven hours was spent white knuckling the steering wheel and a whole lot of this: As a rule I try to never say anything bad about a show, 'cause the worst show is still ten times better than working a real job. That being said, Detroit was a tough crowd to win over. Look at this crowd shot: Yeah, that...

This could be the finest Motel in the entire country. I mean, come on, look at this intricate tile work in the bathroom: It's as if they brought Michelangelo back from the dead to hand carve each tile! Breathtaking really... ...And the choice of lighting: Is that real Tiffany? I almost ripped it out of the ceiling and ran to the nearest Antiques Roadshow. ...And talk about customer service, they were ready for anything you threw at them. Let's say you lost your mold covered toothpaste cap, there was one waiting for you in the bathroom sink drain: Keep an eye out for a full Travel Channel profile, it's gotta be in the works, if not they're blowing it. —Coyle