RED FANG

11/1/11 Los Angeles ,CA. Let’s not pull any punches here folks the first show of the tour was a little shaky. Like a hobo in detox type shaky. You see, keeping with the on going theme we have of either van or health problems, Bryan had to get to teeth yanked a couple days before we left, leaving him a little loopy when he got on stage (AKA whacked out on goofballs). There was a point during their first song (Hank Is Dead) that I thought he was going pull out his phone and Shazam the rest of the band to see what song they were playing. Actually it wasn’t that bad I just like to use every chance I get to publicly embarrass my closest friends. ‘Cause we all know that when you blow out someone else’s flame it makes yours shine that much brighter. I hope he doesn’t get mad at me—he is so sensitive. Look at him: What do you think he’s thinking about while staring out that window? His own Mortality? Things he could do to make the planet a better, kinder place? My money is on cigarettes. He li...

If you’re following the blog you’ll know that the last show was in Seattle, so we had a big drive ahead of us. That was nothing new for this tour by this point we had gotten used to life in the van. We’d adapted a whole new skill set that would have even the world's top scientists scurrying to get their clipboards. It’s like some Jane Goodall shit. For example John has what we refer to in the van as “a gerbil bladder” which means that even the sight of more than three ounces of water gets him holding his crotch and jumping up and down like a six year old. But he’s figured away past that by always having a few empty Gatorade bottles in the van to fill up: Important tip: Always mark the pee bottles. After a few weeks of malnourishment your pee can be confused with most Gatorade. In color and taste. I know I make a lot of jokes about farts but the sad fact is that when most of your food comes from truck stops there is times when the van sounds like the horn section from the Boston Phi...

Well good god damn! It seems like forever since we’ve been out here on the ol’ dusty road, and you know what? It feels good. Real good. The last time we were out we had a little fender bender so we had to get a new van this time around. But getting a new van is no knee-jerk purchase like a face tattoo or an artificial heart, this is something you have to think out. After months of crunching numbers, Gallop polling and blind taste tests we bought the exact same van we wrecked. But in light blue. (Cue the Jefferson’s soundtrack). WE knew we made the right choice when we were already at a garage within one-hundred-fifty miles. Luckily it was a minor adjustment and we were on the road twenty minutes later. First stop was Weed, California where we met up with Danava who we’ll be touring with for the first four shows of the tour. We got a couple rooms and headed for the nearest watering hole to knock back a couple. I for one am pretty excited about touring with these guys because my long t...

Man, I'm kinda pissed. There was all sort of fodder for this post. It was an awesome show, saw tons of friends, met some new ones like our new homegirl Heidi: Who put us up in her insane loft that would make every hipster in Portland drop a load in their women’s jeans. I could do an entire post just on this sign alone: But no, you know what’s burned into my brain about this trip? The homeless guy on the corner of Mission and 17th. This was not your normal, asking for change homeless dude. He was sitting in wheelchair that was surrounded by trash, pants around his ankles, no underdrawers on, dong just laying in his lap like a chihuahua puppy. In fact it was about the same size as a puppy. A shower and some meds and this guy could’ve had a new career ahead of him. He seemed pissed at it too. He was aggressively slap/flopping it from side to side while screaming in a language that wasn’t invented yet. This wasn’t on a back alley or side-street this was right on Mission. Thousands of ...

Reno to San Francisco: A time line: Noon: Check out of Circus Circus and head towards Tahoe City to drop off the Ladies 1:35: Drop the girls off and head out over Donner pass en route to our 5:00 load in at The Bottom Of The Hill. 2:05: It starts snowing pretty hard: 2:15: Bryan’s body gets back at him for ingesting nothing but coffee, energy drinks and gas station hot dogs for the last three days. There’s some collateral damage: 2:30: We notice a sign that tells us that chains are required and there’ll be a checkpoint ahead to make sure they are on. We don’t have chains. 2:35 Traffic comes to a dead stop for what we assume is the checkpoint. We start to panic. 2:40; John spots a guy selling chains on the side of the road, $70 later we have chains. 3:30: Still sitting there: 3:45: We venture out into the wild to smoke and try and see if we can tell what the hell is going on: 3:47: Back in the van. Too damn cold. 4:00: Cabin fever starts setting in. David starts talking about the unifyi...